Trevor's Job Search

© 2006 by D. R. E. All rights reserved.

Trevor knew he had nailed the interview when they started asking him about compensation. As he walked out of Lowenstein and Lowenstein’s glass and cement shrine to capitalism, he noticed that the same dark figure he passed on his way in was still standing in the alley. Loser, he thought as he started to walk to his car. After he unlocked the door and got in the car he noticed the man looming outside his window.

Normally, Trevor would not talk to a stranger approaching his car. There was something entirely unsettling about the guy, but he was still feeling slightly euphoric from the interview. He rolled down the window on his black Mazda to ask the stranger what the fuck he wanted, but before he said anything, he noticed the man’s eyes were bright red. Stunned, Trevor could not utter a word.

“We need to talk Trevor,” the stranger said.

Trevor was thinking no way, so he asked the guy, “About what man?”

“I’ve been reading your blog and know how hard the job search has been going lately for you. I’m prepared to help you secure a position doing exactly what you want. In return, I only need a small favor,” the stranger growled through misshapen pinkish teeth.

Trevor had been blogging about the ill luck he had been having finding a job in video production, or at least a job that paid the liquor bills. How this man knew about it, he had no clue. Feeling a little risky and a bit desperate now, he asked the stranger, “What favor?”

At this the man smiled and whispered, “Only a ride to the edge of the city.”

Reluctantly, Trevor agreed to grant him this favor. When the man slid into the car, Trevor noticed that every inch of his body was covered in clothing and his hood hid most of his face. He didn’t think much about this considering it was twenty degrees outside, but when the car warmed up and the man did not take off his gloves, he asked him, “Are you still too cold?”

The stranger laughed and said, “Always.” When he recognized Trevor's discomfort, he began, “I’m sure you are wondering who I am and how I know about you and your blog. Please don’t be afraid, for I am Satan. I’m not after your soul, so you have no need to fear me. I was checking up on some investments and found myself lost when I saw you walk past me. I’ve been following your blog to ensure that certain employers are keeping their commitments to me. I know that Bobcat University has already done their part by granting you a useless degree in a career field that is non-existent in this state. But occasionally, one or two graduates do find employment.”

At this point, Trevor almost lost control of the Mazda. He turned off the freeway at the first exit and pulled into an abandoned parking lot. “Get out of my car,” he said staring straight ahead.

“You’re overreacting,” Satan said soothingly. “I know this must be a shock for you, meeting me and all –”

“Get the fuck out. You have no idea what I’m thinking. I want to wrap my hands around your thick red neck and choke every last inch of evilness out of you. Not because I’m a fan of God, but because you’ve been making my life miserable for over a year now. I knew there was something cosmic behind this torture. Now, I know that the cosmic piece of shit is you. I know I can’t harm you, but I can strand you.”

Satan laughed at this outburst and between tears of mirth asked, “What about your dream job? Don’t you want me to help you with that? I can you know. I’ve been sending everyone memos not to hire you. All I have to do is send one memo and you’re in. Don’t you want the suffering to end?”

Trevor thought about this. He thought about the countless resumes and cover letters he had written. He thought about the rage he kept at bay with a snifter of brandy every day for the last twelve months. He thought about having the career he had spent so much time and money pursuing. Then he looked at the building in front of them and smiled.

“Why is it so important for you to get to the edge of the city so quickly? I’m sure you have a good reason since you’re willing to make a deal with me,” Trevor said in a voice that made Satan tremble.

“Well, I have recovered some important data that was… uh… stolen from the HADES network. The idiot that hacked our system left the entrance wide open,” Satan fumbled. Trevor noticed the devil was twitching and fidgeting now. “Let’s just say that the data… uh… is of… some interest to our competitors and must be taken away from their offices. Unlike their pathetic franchising, we only have one office outside the city limits. The tax breaks for that are phenomenal you know –”

Trevor cut him off at this point, “I’m beginning to understand what’s going on here. You’re afraid the God Squad is going to get their hands on some kind of secret plan or something.”

“SHHH!” Satan hissed. “We’re too close to one of their main offices to be using that name. If they hear you, I’ll lose my plans for the next millennia. That means more work for me and less leisurely torturing of souls. Give me a break.”

“Oh, like you gave me shithead? I’m assuming you’re not after my soul because you’re pretty confident that it’s already in the bag. Since you’re the one in a jam this time, coming to me for help, let’s look at what you’ve got on the table,” Trevor snarled. He was relieved to see Satan start shrinking under his gaze. “You’re offering a job that I will love, with excellent pay. Probably with the threat of being fired before retirement hanging over my head for, say, the next forty years. Plus, who’s to say you’ll keep your word since no soul is involved. Pretty fucking shady if you ask me.”

The devil’s jaw dropped at this statement. Satan meekly asked, “How did you know?”

“I’m not a fucking idiot, dude. I’ve read plenty of ‘making a deal with Satan’ stories. So, here’s what I’m offering you. You better fucking write this down in your blood so you get it right. First, my soul is off-limits to you. I’m talking first-class pass to heaven, you dig? Second you will get me the job you’ve been talking about, and will guarantee that I will work there as long as I like with great benefits and my full salary as a retirement stipend. You getting this all down you red asshole?”

At this point Satan was weeping, nodding, and furiously writing it all down.

“In return, I will not call out the G Squad right now and give them your plans for the next thousand years. I will also, out of the kindness of my heart, take you to your office out in BFE. If you have any problems with this or are thinking of ways to get out of this deal, you better fucking forget them right now. Do we have a deal?”

“Yes,” Satan sobbed, “we have a deal. I was really looking forward to your soul joining us, and now I remember why. You could have been my own son, if I was allowed one. You really know how to drive a deal.”

“Shut the fuck up and sign the papers you sniveling puss,” Trevor screamed in his face. Satan signed the papers, and pulled them apart to give Trevor a copy.

“Can we please go now?” Satan sniffled. “If we stay here much longer they’ll know, and I’ll lose my plans.”

“You know something? I always thought C. S. Lewis got it wrong when he talked about education without values turning a man into a devil. I think education without employment makes a man more clever than the devil,” Trevor said smiling as he pulled back onto the freeway.